The people all call her "Alaska"

... cause its all in her mind.

2009 In Review
Smileney
madame_no
  • What did you do in 2009 that you’ve never done before? Got a real-ish job. Fell in love. Moved out of my mother’s house to a town I didn’t know.
  • Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don’t think I made any. I don’t really believe in them. Make changes because you truly want to better yourself, not because of some stupid tradition that no one actually follows through on.
  • Did anyone close to you give birth? Sammantha, my, for all intents and purposes, sister-in-law.
  • Did anyone close to you die? My great aunt Toni. We weren’t terribly close but its still sad. Out of my grandmother’s 9 brothers and sisters, only 3 are still alive.
  • What countries did you visit? None, sadly.
  • What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? Enough money to sustain myself. Independence. Happiness. Not that I lacked happiness this year. I was actually happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. But the later parts were filled with so much pain.
  •  What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? February 17- orientation at Amstar, after which I announced to the world via tumblr that I knew I was going to fall in love with my boss. March 4- the first time he kissed me. May 4- My niece, Aurora, was born. May 8- He told me he loved me for the first time. May 10- He moved back to Panama City. June 22- I moved to Panama City. July 31- the best date I’ve ever been on. August 14- I moved back to Orlando. November 20- New Moon weekend and my first weekend working after being promoted. December 23- the day I finally forgave him.
  • What’s your biggest achievement of the year? I don’t know if moving was an achievement since I failed. Getting promoted.
  •  What was your biggest failure? Moving to Panama City long before I was ready to.
  • Did you suffer illness or injury? Broken heart. Pretty severe depression in the last few months.
  • What’s the best thing you bought? Michelangelo, my mac. Sometimes I call him “Machelangelo.”
  • Whose behavior merited celebration? I covered that on facebook the other day. Too many people to list here.
  • Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My mother, as usual. And Charley, of course.
  • Where did most of your money go? DVDS.
  • What did you get really, really excited about? Moving to Panama City. The future I thought I had.
  • What song will always remind you of 2009? “American Pie” which is weird, I know. But it will.
  • Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Richer or poorer? Thinner or fatter? I have reason to be both happier and sadder. I will be richer when I get paid on Thursday. Thinner, which I'm very happy about but I could be more toned.
  • What do you wish you’d done more of? Saving money. Appreciating certain things.
  • What do you wish you’d done less of? Crying.
  • How did you spend Christmas? I worked all day. Got a surprise visit from Charley. Went for a walk and had a good talk. Came home. Ate a little dinner. Went to bed.
  • Did you fall in love in 2009? Yep. Fell hard.
  • What was your favorite TV program? South Park, The Office, Glee
  • Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No
  • What was the best book you read? I still have so many books to read.
  • What was your greatest musical discovery? Didn’t really discover any new music this year, except maybe Aaron Tveit.
  • What did you want and get? Didn’t want to fall in love but I got it.
  • What did you want and not get? To work things out with Charley again. But that’s definitely not over yet.
  • What was your favorite film of this year? Away We Go
  • What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Fought with my mom. Went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory with Kristen. Bought my first drink. Turned 21.
  • What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not breaking up. Or working things out.
  • How would you describe your personal fashion concept for 2009? Jeans and t-shirts, as always.
  • What kept you sane? Brittany, Ashley, Barry, David.
  • What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Johnny Depp in Public Enemies, RDJ, and lately, Aaron Tveit.
  • What political issue stirred you the most? Prop 8. Disgusting.
  • Who did you miss? I’ve said his name so many times in this thing, I look like a psycho.
  • Who was the best new person you met? The obvious answer is Charley, of course. He completely changed my life. Then there’s Barry, who has become one of my very best friends.
  • Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010. People are not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Its up to you to decide whether you write them off or understand and forgive. Sometimes you have to do things wrong the first time so you can get them right the second time around, a lesson I processed just yesterday.

(no subject)
Smileney
madame_no
That last entry makes me laugh, because little did I know that everything was about to change. I was going to try and explain why how things are different, but my mood image says it all.

I'm not sure how accurate it is, but its interesting, nonetheless.
Smileney
madame_no
Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test...ENFJ- The Teacher: You scored 55% I to E, 5% N to S, 29% F to T,  and 32% J to P! Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other people.  You lead without seeming to do so.  People are naturally drawn to you.  You expect the very best from people which takes the form of enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming that people try their best not to disappoint you.  You share your personality type with 3% of the population.
You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths to understand and please your mate.  Harmony is vitally important to you, and you often put others' needs before your own.  You have a pretty thin skin and are easily hurt.  Although you strive for harmony, when your values or ethics are violated, you can be very emotional, confrontational, and even punishing.  However, you are very insightful about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an excellent communicator, so you have the tools to bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long as you can keep control of your facilities.  You want to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and compassion.  You need your partner to make a real effort to get to know you.  Above all, you need to be able to express your feelings and have them taken seriously.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary:  ENFJ

Fall in love, fall out of your mind?
Smileney
madame_no
If love is supposed to be so wonderful and shit, why does it turn everyone into assholes? Everyone that I know who is in love with someone or thinks/thought they are has said and done extremely questionable things for said love. I understand that love makes you do the wacky, or so I am told. But when you hurt/neglect friends that you had long before you even met the person with whom you have become infatuated, is that excusable "because you're in love"? I suppose most people think it is. I'm sure most people don't mind being blown off for a boyfriend or a girlfriend because they blow their friends off for their boyfriend or girlfriend too. And I know this is all really easy for me to say because I've never been in love and I don't understand what its like. Well fuck that. I don't need to be in love to know that treating my friends like shit is wrong. Fuck everyone. Honestly, I think I was better off a few months ago when I didn't talk to anyone. It was so much easier that way. And truth be told, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than fall in love and turn into an asshole.

Indiana Jones and the connections to my middle school teachers.
Smileney
madame_no
Did watching the Indiana Jones films ever make you wonder what your teachers did outside of school? I could see Mr. Bovell, my 6th grade Geography teacher, being a kick ass archaeologist like Indy. I'm biased because I always loved Mr. Bovell, but I think he definitely seemed like he could kick some ass if necessary. Plus he was really smart and witty like Indy. And he was a geography teacher, so he knew his way around the world. It makes perfect sense, really. When he wasn't sneaking off with Mrs. Steigerwalt, my 6th grade English teacher who we all thought he was having an affair with, he was kicking Nazi ass. Because the Nazis were totally still causing trouble in 2000. Yep.

I could see Ms. Dancy, 8th grade English, being the villian Mr. Bovell faced. Her and her red shoes. Oh yeah, she's such a "Cate Blanchett in the 4th Indy film" type of villian. Ooh, and at one point I'm sure he had to face off with Mrs. Curry, my bat shit crazy 7th grade Geography teacher. She was kind of evil. I bet he took down Freeman (and her wonky eye and her crotchless panties) and DeLoach, too. (7th grade English  and 6th-7th grade Math, respectively. Although, calling DeLoach a teacher in 7th grade is a bit generous. She didn't "teach" so much as "talk about her yippy little dog and bring him to class all the time".) I think Mrs. Steigerwalt was his Marion Ravenwood, for sure. We all knew they were meant to be. But in my little "Mr. Bovell is Indiana Jones" world, I like to think that he had a little time with Mrs. Partridge too. She was my 8th grade Algebra teacher and possibly one of my favorite people of all time. She was so kick ass and funny. She'd make an awesome, wise-cracking, tough girl, kick ass love interest/sidekick on a long and exciting adventure. I think Mr. Adkinson, 8th grade Science and a person who was WAAAAAY cooler when he was no longer my teacher, was probably a "Sala" or "Short Round" type of sidekick. Kind of bumbling, but well-meaning and when he GOT HIS DUCKS IN A ROW (he had a poster in his classroom that said that) he was actually helpful. I could totally see Mr. Stefanik, 8th grade History, as a "Willie Scott" type of character. If you know Mr. Stefanik, you know I hit that one on the head. I should say that I loved and adored Mr. Stefanik to pieces. But he was kind of femme, to say the very least. Perhaps thats why I loved him so much... but I digress. Mr Griffin, our principal, was, of course, Dr. Brody. And Mrs. McDonough was there somewhere, too, because she was awesome and funny and I loved her and she loved me too. I bet she DEBATED with him (she was a Speech and Debate, Civics, and Law Studies teacher) and they had that "I hate you but I totally want to do you" sexual tension, which they finally gave into but not before exchanging some witty banter.

And then there was Mr. Bovell's fiercest foe: ZIMMERMAN. The name alone sends shivers down the spine of any poor soul who knew her. Ahhh Mrs. Zimmerman, the vice principal from hell. She was the Mama Rose of vice principals. Hell, she was the Patti LuPone of vice principals, and i don't mean she was worshipped and adored by gay men. I mean if Patti LuPone had to interact with a bunch of 12-14 year olds. It wouldn't be pretty. And it wasn't. There's nothing else I can say about her because unless you knew her, you can't truly understand the horror of her. I like to think that Zimmerman's defeat was Raiders-style, i.e. her face melted off.

Wow, I carried this on much longer than I intended to, and much, much longer than I should have. Oh well. It was fun. I wish everyone knew those teachers so they knew just how much sense this makes.

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind. Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine.
Smileney
madame_no
Wowie wow wow. I just spent (wasted?) a good 4 hours or so going through old entries in this silly old thing. I'm truly embarrassed about what a whiny little bitch I was. But oh well. After my little blast from the past. I can safely conclude that high school was way more fun than I gave it credit for. I had some damn good times, times that still make me smile reading about them years later. When I write in this thing, I have a tendency to make reference to certain things vaguely so that no one will know what I'm talking about. I find it highly amusing that going back and reading entries where I did that, I have no idea what the hell I was talking about 99% of the time. For example, there were numerous entries where I'd say something like "I'm really glad that a certain situation has worked itself out. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone." What the hell? What situation was this? I have no idea. But I guess I'm glad it worked out, whatever it was.

Anyway, I also noticed that I said more than a few times that I wished I had friends like "insert movie/TV show about a group of friends here". I had no idea how great my own friends really were. And I was so lucky. I had A LOT of really good, really close friends. But I was too busy being sad all the time to notice. Now, I'm sad to say I don't talk to most of them anymore. But its nice to know that they were so good to me. I was lucky, and I wish I had a way to thank them without looking like a totally random weirdo.

I can't believe a year has gone by. It feels like just yesterday I was preparing Elliott's birthday post, and now I've got to get a new one ready soon. I can't believe Theresa and I haven't been friends for a year. I can't believe how out of control last summer got. It still makes me sad to think about, but what are you going to do?

Speaking of sad, my hair is on crack right now. It makes me, as I said earlier, sad.

I don't know what the point of this entry was.

Africa, you did the damn thing.
Smileney
madame_no
Well, I finally reached Fred, Darling, and we found the cat. We're currently making out in the rain, and life is pretty fantastic.

One thing that I'm entirely too afraid of down, a lifetime to go.

Let's do this shit.
Smileney
madame_no
Its so funny how the outcome you dread most can actually help you more than the outcome you'd prefer. I needed this. Its not what I wanted. Quite frankly, its what I specifically did not want. And yet its so perfect. I now have the determination that I needed all along. It took me long enough, but I'm finally there. In fact, I now understand that the determination I feel right now is the way I should approach every obstacle in life. Confidence is not arrogance. I should be angry at myself, or disappointed. Honestly, I'm more disappointed that I initially spelled "specifically" wrong. Well alright, of course I'm a little disappointed. But I understand why it needed to be this way, and that makes it hard to be upset. Plus, I'm so grateful for what I've learned. I know what needs to be done and, most importantly, I know that I can do it. Again, it took me long enough. But as a direct result of this experience, I vow never to let my fear keep me from doing anything ever again. That's a big statement to make, and not an easy one to stay truthful to, but I'll do it because I refuse to live in my cage anymore. The Brazilian supercreep dumped me, but I was going to Brazil anyway. I threw the cat out in the rain. I let Fred, Darling walk away. But now I've gotten out of the taxi and I'm running down the street after him. I can see him up ahead. I'll catch up with him soon. Hopefully once I get to him, we'll be able to find the cat. And if not, well, we'll keep looking until we do.

What a fool I am for being so paralyzed by the silly things I am afraid of, when people face troubles that I can barely imagine every day of their lives. But I suppose all humans are innately vain, whether we like to admit it or not.

So look out world, 'cause ol' Rissy is getting what she wants... and don't call me "Rissy".

The only thing to fear is fear, itself.
Smileney
madame_no
I came to a realization today. Its funny. I'm always coming here and writing about these revelations I have, and yet I'm still a dumbass. How many revelations does it take for someone to stop sucking at life? Maybe that's the point. Maybe we're always learning and realizing things at our own speed. If we had everything all figured out, we'd be God. And we're not. Thus, confusion and revelations are necessary. But I digress.

Is there a difference between "realization" and "revelation"? I used both terms in the above paragraph, but I prefer "realization", as "revelation" sounds like I saw God or something.

Back to my realization. As discussed in previous entries, I am a very fearful person. I put things off because I am afraid of failure and I wait for the moment that courage will magically flow over me and I will no longer be afraid. But I realized today that courage isn't about not being afraid. Its about working through your fear, being afraid of something and doing it anyway.

I realize that many of my so-called "revelations" are simple matters of common sense to most people. In fact, there's a very wise quote that sums up today's realization perfectly: "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.  Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave."  ~Mark Twain. But you know how these things are. There are some things that you can be told/tell someone over and over again and it will go in one ear and out the other, until that one magical day that, for whatever reason, they suddenly get it. Anyway, I have to go and flush all this thoughtfulness down the toilet and watch Gossip Girl and The Hills.

(no subject)
Smileney
madame_no
If you're ever feeling stressed out, I suggest spending some time outside. It always clears my head. And if it manages to clear the wonderland that is my head, it would probably bring anyone else enough clarity to stop global warming or find the cure for cancer or something.

During the aforementioned time outside, I came to a realization. Its ironic, and almost humorous, how weak people can be so strong about avoiding the things that reveal their weaknesses. Weak people will go to every extreme to avoid things they are afraid of or intimidated by. And the irony is, with the strength they use to avoid things, they could easily overcome whatever obstacle is scaring/worrying them. Stupid weak people.

Its almost my birthday, which as usual, is both exciting and depressing.

I have nothing else to say today.