- July 2nd, 2008
Did watching the Indiana Jones films ever make you wonder what your teachers did outside of school? I could see Mr. Bovell, my 6th grade Geography teacher, being a kick ass archaeologist like Indy. I'm biased because I always loved Mr. Bovell, but I think he definitely seemed like he could kick some ass if necessary. Plus he was really smart and witty like Indy. And he was a geography teacher, so he knew his way around the world. It makes perfect sense, really. When he wasn't sneaking off with Mrs. Steigerwalt, my 6th grade English teacher who we all thought he was having an affair with, he was kicking Nazi ass. Because the Nazis were totally still causing trouble in 2000. Yep.
I could see Ms. Dancy, 8th grade English, being the villian Mr. Bovell faced. Her and her red shoes. Oh yeah, she's such a "Cate Blanchett in the 4th Indy film" type of villian. Ooh, and at one point I'm sure he had to face off with Mrs. Curry, my bat shit crazy 7th grade Geography teacher. She was kind of evil. I bet he took down Freeman (and her wonky eye and her crotchless panties) and DeLoach, too. (7th grade English and 6th-7th grade Math, respectively. Although, calling DeLoach a teacher in 7th grade is a bit generous. She didn't "teach" so much as "talk about her yippy little dog and bring him to class all the time".) I think Mrs. Steigerwalt was his Marion Ravenwood, for sure. We all knew they were meant to be. But in my little "Mr. Bovell is Indiana Jones" world, I like to think that he had a little time with Mrs. Partridge too. She was my 8th grade Algebra teacher and possibly one of my favorite people of all time. She was so kick ass and funny. She'd make an awesome, wise-cracking, tough girl, kick ass love interest/sidekick on a long and exciting adventure. I think Mr. Adkinson, 8th grade Science and a person who was WAAAAAY cooler when he was no longer my teacher, was probably a "Sala" or "Short Round" type of sidekick. Kind of bumbling, but well-meaning and when he GOT HIS DUCKS IN A ROW (he had a poster in his classroom that said that) he was actually helpful. I could totally see Mr. Stefanik, 8th grade History, as a "Willie Scott" type of character. If you know Mr. Stefanik, you know I hit that one on the head. I should say that I loved and adored Mr. Stefanik to pieces. But he was kind of femme, to say the very least. Perhaps thats why I loved him so much... but I digress. Mr Griffin, our principal, was, of course, Dr. Brody. And Mrs. McDonough was there somewhere, too, because she was awesome and funny and I loved her and she loved me too. I bet she DEBATED with him (she was a Speech and Debate, Civics, and Law Studies teacher) and they had that "I hate you but I totally want to do you" sexual tension, which they finally gave into but not before exchanging some witty banter.
And then there was Mr. Bovell's fiercest foe: ZIMMERMAN. The name alone sends shivers down the spine of any poor soul who knew her. Ahhh Mrs. Zimmerman, the vice principal from hell. She was the Mama Rose of vice principals. Hell, she was the Patti LuPone of vice principals, and i don't mean she was worshipped and adored by gay men. I mean if Patti LuPone had to interact with a bunch of 12-14 year olds. It wouldn't be pretty. And it wasn't. There's nothing else I can say about her because unless you knew her, you can't truly understand the horror of her. I like to think that Zimmerman's defeat was Raiders-style, i.e. her face melted off.
Wow, I carried this on much longer than I intended to, and much, much longer than I should have. Oh well. It was fun. I wish everyone knew those teachers so they knew just how much sense this makes.